FAMILY COUNSELING &
MEDIATION CENTER
MEDIATION CENTER
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How to Be Your Child’s Emotional Coach During Divorce
| Posted on December 23, 2015 at 6:05 PM |
Divorce can be a difficult time for your children. They may feel anxious, angry or sad. They may feel torn between their parents. They may feel responsible. They may feel that
it is in their power to fix things. Or they
may feel a total loss of control over maintaining what has been familiar and
safe. The good news
is that children are resilient. But a
very important ingredient for them to recover is for you to provide them with
the time and space to process their emotions around the divorce. The problem is
that children are often not “good” at sharing how they feel. And some parents struggle with that same dynamic!
Add to that the guilt, sadness, or anger
you may be feeling around the divorce, and the conversation may feel
challenging indeed. So the question is: How can help your child become
aware of her emotions? And how can you help her be comfortable articulating those
feelings to you? How do you develop the
capacity to be that one place where your child can let her feelings boil over
into the sympathetic embrace of someone who loves her? During a divorce, one of your most important jobs is
to create a safe container into which your child can pour out all of her
unexpressed anger, sadness, and frustration. Forging that dynamic with your
child is infinitely more helpful than finding her a therapist. Therapy is beneficial when clients experience
a safe space to figure out what they are feeling (as opposed to just “thinking”,
acknowledge the emotions out loud, and feel them deeply. You, the parent, have the capacity to be the
best therapist in the world because you can facilitate such an interaction every
day between your child and the person she wants to talk to the most –
yourself! So how exactly do you become your child’s “emotional
coach”? This may seem like a daunting
project because sometimes it can be difficult to pull thoughts and feelings out
of our children: Parent’s Question: “How was
school?” Child’s Answer: “OK.” Question: “How did you feel about the
divorce?” Answer: “I dunno.” Question: “Would you like to tell me
about your boyfriend.” Answer: “Gross! Leave
me alone!” The good news is that emotional coaching is fairly
simple and can be boiled down to two simple steps. First,
whenever your child talks about something with any energy (e.g., anger,
sadness, frustration), be curious. Second, validate their emotions by reflecting back to them what you have
heard them say. The heart of being a good
listener is to embrace the notion of being curious. Like a therapist, try not
to have a specific agenda. Ask lots of
open-ended question – namely, “how, what, and why” questions that elicit
answers longer than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
Keep your child talking and give her your full
attention. Simple,
right? The rub is that is often
difficult for parents to remain in an empathic, neutral space when the child is
exhibiting negative emotions. You are likely to be triggered. You may want to figure out how to make your
child’s distress to go away (e.g., “I hate my life!” Or you may get defensive
because your child is complaining about something you did (e.g., “You made
Dad/Mom go away!” Or you may worry
that her attitude is detrimental to her well-being (e.g., “I am so embarrassed
that my parents are divorced!) It can be difficult to hear your
child’s pain, anger, or criticism. Stay relaxed. Keep breathing. Listen for
vulnerable emotions behind anger and frustration. Resist the impulse to go into
problem-solving mode or to defend your actions or convince your child out of
her feelings. Look for grains of truth in what is
being said and try to understand
the issue from your child’s point of view.
Why is listening so important? First, your child will feel really seen and
understood when you ask them questions about events that are important to
them. This is a profound reminder to
them that they exist and that you care. Second, think of the dynamic as
exercising your child’s emotional muscles.
By asking a lot of curious, open-ended questions, you are exploring with
your child her inner world. You are
training her to discover and work through her emotions. Question: “What happened?” Child’s Internal Process: [“Easy. I
remember that!”] Question: “Why did that bother you?” Child’s Internal Process: [“Hmm…let me explore that feeling…”] Question: “What would have made you feel better?” Child’s Internal Process: [“OK, I’m
thinking about what I need…”] This is why I call it emotional
coaching. Your child needs to acquire the skill for her healthy
development. And your role is essential
because emotional intelligence it is not taught at school. We can end up with high school, college, and
even graduate degrees without ever learning emotional skills. Lastly, when you “get it,” reflect back
to your child what they just told you (from their point of view). Show them that you understand them. This will give your child the sense that she
is fundamentally seen and understood by the most important person in her life –
you! Child: “I wish you two would get back
together!” Parent: “Is our separation hard on you?” Child: “Yes!” Parent: “In what way is it hard?” Child:
“I don’t like having two houses. I don’t want to go back and forth! I want
to see you both every night!” Parent: “This divorce has made your
life harder and means you don’t get to have everyone around at once.” Child: “Yes!” And what about reacting to what you
have heard? Sometimes your child needs your
advice. Sometimes your child has the
wrong idea about something important. And
sometimes you will need to problem solve. My best advice is to separate your need
to respond to the content of your child’s words from the opportunity to elicit
the emotional import. Don’t mix the
two. Save your response for a later day. Let your child have the experience of being
heard (if only for 15 minutes). A parent’s verbal assurances (“You know you can
tell me anything") will not be as convincing as a child’s experience of good
listening. Let your child know that you
are always there to listen and to understand.
Let your child experience a safe place for them to pour out their
emotions. Emotional coaching necessitates time and
patience. So, when your child talks
about anything with any emotional energy behind it, find the time, space and
the right attitude. A remember the
mantra – be curious, be curious, be curious.
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