FAMILY COUNSELING &
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How to Tell Your Children You're Getting Divorced
| Posted on June 29, 2012 at 1:29 AM |
One of the most delicate aspects of getting divorced is
breaking the news to your children. This
is a very important event, as it is your first opportunity to set the tone for
how your children will experience your separation. The explicit and implicit messages that you
convey at this time are critical to your children’s emotional well-being and their future relationship with both their
parents. Here is what I suggest: Create a United Front
– Agree upon a unified “divorce story” with your
spouse and tell your children together about the decision to separate. Deliberate beforehand and choose your words carefully.
Keep the narrative as honest as possible, while at the same time protecting
them from too much detail or hurtful information. For example, “Mommy and Daddy want to stop
fighting so much” or “We think we can be happier people and better parents if
we live in separate houses” are two explanations. Let them know attempts have been made to preserve the
relationship. Emphasize that they are
not to blame, and that they did not cause the divorce or conflict. And tell them there is nothing they can do to
prevent the divorce or to get you back together. Reassure them that you two are still working together for their
overall well-being. Convey to them that
you are still a cohesive parenting unit. Set the stage so your children don’t start
playing one parent off the other. Don’t create a situation that will undermine
one parent’s authority and make it more difficult to co-parent in the future. Manage Your Feelings
– It is important not to expose them to, or saddle them with, the feelings of
turmoil, anger, pain, betrayal, abandonment, and anxiety that you might be
experiencing. Explain that both parents
have made the decision to divorce. Assigning
blame to one parent will actually harm your children. While it may feel cathartic to demonize your
spouse for breaking up the family, forcing your children to judge or choose
sides takes a toll on their well-being. Allow your children to continue loving
the other parent without having to feel disloyal to either of you. Otherwise,
your children will feel they need to choose sides, thereby creating either an
uncomfortable disconnection from, or alignment with, the “bad” parent. The idea that they have “betrayed” one parent
can create feelings of anxiety. And identifying with the parent who has been labeled
as “bad” can cause self-esteem issues (e.g., “I see myself in Dad. Dad is bad. Therefore, I must be bad too.”). Reassure them that it is OK to have a
relationship with the other parent and that you both will continue to have a
close relationship with them. Address Logistics
– A sense of continuity is important to children. Kids will usually want to know
how much of their lives will change. Take
the time to address the logistics of the separation. What will happen with school? Will they continue to be able to see their
friends? What will happen with their
room, clothes, and toys? Tell them specifically
how they will be maintaining their relationship with both parents (when will they
be with you, and when with your spouse). The younger the children, the more helpful it
will be to create prominently displayed charts so that they can set their
expectations and feel in control of the schedule. Be Attuned to Their Feelings
– Even grown children will need you to be emotionally present to allay their
fears and empathize with their concerns. Have this be a foundational
moment where you are able to hold and validate your children’s feelings. I have
written in detail about how to elicit and respond to your children’s emotions
in my therapy blog [click here].
The crux of this skill is to listen, ask a lot of curious questions, and don’t
convince your child out of their emotions (even if they are sad and you want to
console them). While there is a place
for reassurances, also make the time to simply allow them to explore,
articulate, and process their feelings. Follow Their Lead
– While I advise that you follow the outline above, ultimately let your
children set the pace for what they want to hear and talk about. Some will be relieved, and others will be devastated.
Some will be concerned with the logistics, and others caught up in the
emotions. Some will want to process this information at length, and others will
want to come back and address it in manageable bite-sizes. There is no wrong or right way for the
children to react. Your job is to remain
responsive to where your child is emotionally and to what
your child needs. Keep the Conflict Away
from Your Children - Studies show that divorce, per se, is not harmful to
children’s emotional development. The
mere fact that parents live in two separate domiciles and don’t see their
children daily does not cause irrevocable harm.
Rather, it is the prevalent discord between separating parents which
exacts a toll on children and creates mental health and behavioral problems. When
there is an absence of conflict, children tend to be incredibly resilient to
the pain and challenges of divorce. So keep in mind
when breaking the news of your divorce that, while your marriage is ending,
your responsibility to collaborate with your ex-partner for your children’s well-being persists. Recommended Reading: -
"Conscious
Divorce: Ending Marriage with Integrity," by Susan Allison -
"Cooperative
Parenting and Divorce: Shielding Your Child from Conflict," by Susan Boyan -
"Surviving
the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope with Divorce,” by Joan Kelley -
“Top Ten
Ways To Protect Your Kids from the Fallout of a High Conflict Break-Up” by Joan
Kelley [click here] |
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