FAMILY COUNSELING &
MEDIATION CENTER
MEDIATION CENTER
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Don't Put Your Children in the Middle During Divorce!
| Posted on April 30, 2012 at 7:28 PM |
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Divorce is a significant event in the life of your child. Whether he or she becomes permanently scarred or thrives can depend on how you and your partner manage conflict and create a cooperative parenting environment. One book that I highly recommend to parents committed to protecting their children's emotional well-being during this difficult transition is titled "Cooperative Parenting and Divorce: Shielding Your Child from Conflict -- A Parent Guide to Effective Co-Parenting" by Susan Boyan and Ann Termini. I am excerpting from their book (below) some helpful guidelines (written in the child's voice) on how to avoid putting your son or daughter in an uncomfortable situation while you negotiate joint custody and living arrangements. Do not talk badly about my other
parent. (This make me feel torn apart!
It also makes me feel bad about myself!) Do not talk about my other parent’s
friends or relatives. (Let me
care for someone even if you don’t.) Do not talk about the divorce or other
grown-up stuff. (This
makes me feel sick. Please leave me out of it!) Do not talk about money or child
support. (This makes me feel guilty or
like I’m a possession instead of your kid.) Do not make me feel bad when I enjoy my
time with my other parent. (This
makes me afraid to tell you things.) Do not block my visits or prevent me
from speaking to my other parent on the phone. (This makes me very upset.) Do not interrupt my time with my other
parent by calling too much or by planning my activities during our time together. Do not argue in front of me or on the
phone when I can hear you! (This
just turns my stomach inside out.) Do not ask me to spy for you when I am
at my other parent’s home. (This
makes me feel disloyal and dishonest.) Do not ask me to keep secrets from my
other parent. (Secrets
make me feel anxious.) Do not ask me questions about my other
parent’s life or about our time together. (This makes me feel uncomfortable. So just let me tell you.) Do not give me verbal messages to
deliver to my other parent. (I end up feeling anxious about their reaction. So please just call them, leave them a message
at work or put a note in the mail.) Do not send written messages with me or
place them in my bag. (This also
makes me uncomfortable.) Do not blame my other parent for the
divorce or for things that go wrong in your life. (This really feels terrible! I end up wanting
to defend them from your attack. Sometimes it makes me feel sorry for you and that makes me want to
protect you. I
just want to be a kid, so please, please…stop putting me into the middle!) Do not treat me like an adult; it
causes way too much stress for me. (Please find a friend or a therapist to talk to.) Do not ignore my other parent or sit on
opposite sides of the room during my school or sports activities. (This makes me very sad and embarrassed.
Please act like parents and be friendly, even if it is just for me.) Do let me take items to my other home
as long as I can carry them back and forth. (Otherwise it feels like you are treating me
as a possession.) Do not use guilt to pressure me to love
you more and do not ask me where I want to live. Do realize that I have two homes, not
just one. (It doesn’t matter how much
time I spend there.) Do let me love both of you and see each
of you as much as possible! Be flexible even when it is not part of our regular schedule. |